When we think of our family and friends there are many different types of relationships. Different people have found themselves in different circumstances and made different choices. We have friends who are couples who have been married as long and longer than we have. They have happy and successful marriages. We also have friends who have experienced divorce and family reconfigurations. There is no single set of relationships that mark the people in our social circles. I have tried hard and I believe that for the most part I have been successful in not judging others.

My family has a wide range of ages. Before I began dating Susan, two of my sisters had experienced divorce. On remarried, the other never again married although she had significant loving relationships in her life. If I have counted accurately, my siblings have experienced eight divorces. That is a lot of pain and trauma from which to recover. They have found themselves in difficult circumstances and made choices based on their life experiences and needs. They have also gone on to find joy and love in other relationships.

I remember the first time one of our friends came out to us as gay. I didn’t have much experience with those who are GLBTQ+. At first I struggled to accept my new understanding of that person. He is, however, a dear friend and he has been patient in helping me to grow in understanding. Other gay friends came into our circle and we became more aware of the sexual identities of our friends. We have GLBTQ+ friends who have forged strong and long-lasting relationships. We have other friends who have experienced break-ups and divorce.

The first time I was aware of a friend who was transgender, I was uncomfortable and awkward as I learned to use the correct pronouns. Some of the stages of the process of transformation for that individual were hard for me to understand. A dear friend who is transgender helped me a great deal by suggesting that she was not asking me to understand, but rather to accept her identity. That was a very good bit of advice for me. I have learned that there are many things about other people and their relationships that I don’t understand. I don’t, however, need to understand in order to accept others.

What I do need to do is to make my relationship with other people safe for them. I need to communicate effectively that it is safe for them to be who they are in their relationship with me. I will do my best not to be cruel or unaccepting. I will try as best as I am able to make our relationship one where that individual is free to be whatever they are.

I have made a lot of mistakes in my relationships with others. When I first became aware of friends and colleagues who were nonbinary, I used the wrong pronouns. I was so used to using either he or she to refer to every person that I had to practice and learn to use the right pronouns. And I made a lot of mistakes. Fortunately those friends and colleagues have been kind and forgiving and have helped me to learn new ways. One of them gave me a very good piece of advice: “Pray for me. It will give you an opportunity to practice.” I took that advice. I prayed for them. Using the correct pronouns became an easy habit. I still make mistakes, but they are less frequent. I am grateful for the patience of my friends.

Not long ago, I got the inkling that someone who is important to me might be feeling that I have been acting a bit smug in the celebration of our 50th wedding anniversary. This person didn’t say as much, but I sensed that they were feeling a bit judged by my open joy and celebration. Being married for 50 years is not an option for many people. This doesn’t mean that they are somehow worse at making relationship choices. It just means that their circumstances are different from mine. I am well aware that it is hard to find the right partner in life. I was very lucky to have met Susan when I did and to have found in her a relationship that continues to grow. We have been blessed with good health - not everyone is as fortunate in the health department. I have good friends who have had wonderful marriages that didn’t last 50 years because their partner didn’t live that long.

I certainly don’t mean my joy and celebration of our marriage and this particular anniversary to be smug or to make others feel judged. My expressions of joy at the blessings of my life is in no way a lack of joy at the circumstances and decisions others have made. I know that there are a lot of things in life that are beyond our control. I know how fragile life and relationships can be. Part of my joy comes from the simple fact that there was a time when I thought I might lost Susan. When she was in the intensive care unit recovering from cardiac arrest, I didn’t know whether I would have even one more day - one more conversation with her. The blessing of her recovery is not due to any actions or decisions I have made. It is a gift I have received without any merit on my part. It makes every conversation and every day with her a special joy and a gift that I hope I never take for granted. It has made me a bit more sensitive to the circumstances of those who have lost their partners to death. Although I will never know their unique grief and the unique struggles of their lives, I can appreciate how difficult their journey is. I can choose to be with them and remind them how much they are loved in spite of the pain they are experiencing.

Having been married 50 years does not mean that I possess some special relationship magic, or some inside information on what makes for marriage success and happiness. I am not somehow better than someone who has had a different life experience. I am, however, going to work a bit at the smugness. I have no right to judge others, or even compare their experiences to my own. Fortunately for me, I have friends who are willing to help me learn, even when I make mistakes.