I have taught stress management classes on and off again for all of my professional life. When I was a seminary intern, I taught a stress series that was designed by Granger Westburg, founder of Wholistic Health Care Centers. Near the end of my career I taught stress management for law enforcement officers as part of my duties as a Sheriff’s Chaplain. Stress theory has evolved a great deal over that span of time, but there are principles that have remained the same.

At the core of my understanding of stress theory are two important core truths. The first is that all living involves stress. Without stress a structure cannot stand. While we can experience distress when our lives have too much stress, we also can experience distress when there is no stress. The concept is more complex than can be explained in these few words, but it can be helpful to simply understand that all living things experience stress. You cannot escape stress. There is no such thing as stress-free life.

A second truth is that stress arises from grief. Researchers and therapists have been using an instrument called the Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory to measure the level of stress. Also known as the Social Readjustment Rating Scale this instrument ranks 43 life events according to the likelihood that the event will cause enough stress to result in hospitalization. Virtually every item on that scale involves grief, from the death of a spouse to changes in residence. Not all grief stems from death. A loss of any kind results in grief.

I used to use the illustration of a sock lost in the washer or dryer to speak of the stages of grief:
How can my sock be missing? - denial
Damn, my sock is lost! - anger
I’ll keep the mate because if I throw it away I’ll find the lost sock - bargaining
It makes me sad, I loved that pair of socks - depression
Oh well, I guess I’ll wear this pair - acceptance

It helps to understand that when major grief enters our life, such as the death of a loved one, we have been gaining skills at navigating grief throughout our lives by experiencing other losses.

While it can be helpful to understand grief in terms of five or sometimes seven stages, there are limits to that way of thinking. Grief isn’t always sequential. It doesn’t always follow a set order. You can be angry and depressed at the same time for example. People frequently get into cycles of repeating various stages of grief, especially when experiencing a major loss. Furthermore thinking of grief as a sequence with stages can lead to the erroneous conclusion that one might “get through” grief and reach a place where grief is no more.

As our understanding of grief grew through research and study, we began to learn more about the nature of trauma and its lasting effects. While we weren’t sure of it decades ago, counselors now generally accept that there are effects of trauma and loss that do not go away. People can gain skill at living with grief and become more at ease with its presence, but there is no cure of grief. There is no place at which one arrives after a period of grief that is a full resolution.

All of which is to say that a human life is a process of accumulating layer upon layer of grief. Returning briefly to the lost sock, most of us have experienced the loss of multiple socks in our lifetime. Just yesterday I pulled on a sock and tore through the heel as I slid it over my foot. It wasn’t the first time that had happened. I could immediately recall other lost socks as I returned to my sock drawer to grab a fresh pair. The death of a loved one might bring to mind a previous death of a beloved pet. Retirement might cause the recall of having been laid off from another job. A change in residence might bring up memories from a previous health crisis. Taking on a loan might spark memories of lean times when income was short.

We are complex beings and rarely experience our emotions one at a time. Tears of joy and tears of sadness often mix on our cheeks.

In my work with those who have experienced sudden and traumatic loss, I learned not to promise recovery. While well-meaning friends might say, “You’ll get over this,” I would never use those words. I never promise a grieving person that they will get over what they are feeling. Instead, I sought to connect grieving persons with others who were experiencing grief, but who had been living with their grief for different amounts of time. Knowing that you are not alone and that others are familiar with what you are experiencing can be helpful as you learn to navigate life with a permanent loss.

Once again as I send out holiday greetings this year, I am aware that the season is not all happiness, fun, and games for many of those I greet. Christmas can stir memories of loss. Holiday parties can be lonely places for some. The rise in stress of trying to create a “perfect” celebration can spark a wide range of emotions. Christmas can be anything but merry for some folks. Having lived for many years, I have accumulated many layers of memory, some joyous and some less so.

In the days of the early church, Advent was often a somber season, with extended periods of prayer and fasting. I am grateful for the many moods of the season and appreciate the journey of many days of anticipation and preparation knowing that there is room for sadness as well as joy. There is time for grief as well as expectation.

My Christmas wish for all is that we will be granted permission to experience the holidays in ways that are authentic and true to our own experiences. May we together explore the many moods of the season knowing that we are not alone.