There are moments in my life when I experience deep joy just being with our children. Our daughter has become a world traveler. In her adult life we have been able to visit her at her homes in England, Missouri, Japan and South Carolina. Missouri and South Carolina might not seem like exotic destinations to most folks, but the truth is that I grew up and have lived my life in northern states. The region of the United States where I have traveled the least is the south. I make a point of stopping at Waffle House restaurants when we travel in that area, but I didn’t even know they existed until our children were grown and I still can’t pronounce common words the way that folks do down there. We laugh about the time Susan tried to order a pecan waffle. After several attempts, the waitress finally said, “Oh, honey, you mean a pee can waffle.” To our ears it was as if she were saying two different words and the end of the name didn’t have the familiar “ah” sound at all. I barely recognize my name when it is said with a deep south pronunciation as if it had two syllables. Our daughter has learned to go to new places and meet new people with great confidence and it makes me proud to be with her as my guide when I visit new places.

Being with our son when he goes through a drive-through always makes me smile. Neither of us are much for spending the price of coffee in specialty coffee houses, but when we are together, we often indulge in the treat. When he is driving and we go through the drive through, he always strikes up a conversation with the people working in the shop. When they ask, “How’s your day going?” he has a response that goes way beyond “OK,” or “Pretty Good.” He’ll say something like, “Amazing, and you are about to make it better!”

I’ve had a few opportunities to be with our son at work and I love to watch him interact with people he has never met. He probably learned a bit about working a crowd from me. When we moved from one congregation to another, I had to push myself out of my comfort zone and go around the fellowship hall introducing myself to all of the folks there. Our son is much better at that task than I. He reminds me of my father, who loved meeting new people and always tried to strike up conversations with strangers.

One of the reasons that I am so pleased with our children’s ability to meet new people is that they were born in 1981 and 1983. Young children in the 80’s were taught about “stranger danger.” There were public service campaigns about teaching children not to speak to strangers. Police officers, teachers, parents, religious leaders, politicians, media personalities, and child welfare organizations all worked together to spread the message that talking with a stranger put children at risk. I’m sure that the campaign had some of its origins in traumatic experiences that someone had with strangers, but I knew at the time that the focus on strangers actually put children at risk. The overwhelming majority of sexual and violent crimes against people of all ages are committed by people known to the victim. Cases where a child has been abducted by someone unknown to them are just 1% of the missing children cases reported to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children in the US. That’s right. People we know are far more dangerous than strangers. In the case of child abduction, 99% of abductions are done by someone who is not a stranger. The public campaign created isolation and distrust, but didn’t improve safety.

We tried to teach our children that there are strangers that you can trust. Uniformed law enforcement officers and firefighters will help children who are lost or need other kinds of help. Other children are worth getting to know and the parents who accompany them are people who care about children. Mothers with children are excellent sources of help in times of trouble for children.

Dietlind Stolle, of McGill University in Canada, argues that decades of messaging about stranger danger may have damaged a whole generation’s ability to trust other people. And trust is critical to the functioning of society. Joe Keohane, author of “The Power of Strangers: The Benefits of Connecting in a Suspicious World,” teaches that we miss a lot by being afraid of strangers. Talking to strangers is good for neighborhoods, communities, nations, and the world. You can learn, become a better citizen, a better thinker, and a better person by talking to people you don’t know.

Talking to strangers is critical at this rapidly changing, incredibly complex, and furiously polarized world. Furthermore, it is fun. A study conducted by Gillian Sandstrom of the University of Sussex in the UK and Elizabeth Dunn of the University of British Columbia had participants smile and talk to their barista at a coffee shop. Their control group were instructed to make the transaction as efficient as possible. The study participants who interacted when buying their coffee reported feeling a stronger sense of belonging and an improved mood. They were happier than those who were instructed to buy coffee with as little interaction as possible. I witness this truth every time I go out for coffee with our son.

Many people dread talking to strangers, but when they do they come away feeling happier, less lonely, more optimistic, and more empathetic. As the world begins to adjust to the realities of pandemic and as our nation struggles with increasing political polarization, the ability to reach out and speak to a stranger is a critical skill. Human beings are amazingly complex and we are amazingly diverse. Talking to strangers can give us a glimpse into the midst of another. Speaking with people who have different experiences, different perspectives, and different political opinions than our own can open us up to a wiser and more balanced view of life.

For the record, the Center of Missing and Exploited Children, one of the leading exponents of “stranger danger” has stopped using that term. Cal Walsh, an executive with the Center said in 2018, “We’re trying to empower children to make safe and smart decisions, not scar them for life.”

So far, it appears that we avoided that scar for our children.