Over the years, I taught law enforcement officers, led survivor’s support groups, presented to college and high school classes, and addressed civic and governmental leaders on the topics of suicide and suicide prevention. One of the topics I frequently addressed was the language we use to speak of the act of suicide. On countless occasions I explained why suicidologists don’t use the term “commit” as in “He committed suicide.” We prefer, rather, to use words such as “He died by suicide,” or “She died after a prolonged struggle with mental illness.” Our choice of words is not an attempt at hiding the harsh reality of suicide. It is, rather, an attempt to combat the stigma attached to suicide and suicide loss.

For a long time, suicide has been viewed as a criminal act. The rationale has been that if killing is wrong, killing oneself must also be wrong. The implication is that the victim of suicide has died because of a willful act, a bad decision, or a controlled process. Because suicides are unattended deaths, they must be investigated by medical examiners or coroners, who generally work alongside law enforcement agents. This means that the place of suicide is often treated as a crime scene, with intentional control to preserve evidence. Family members are often prevented by law enforcement agents from obtaining all of the information surrounding the death. Sometimes they are delayed in their desire to see the body of their loved one.

We argue that suicide is not a crime and we shouldn’t use criminal language when talking about these tragic deaths.

There were, however, occasions when I heard the words, “commit suicide” spoken and did not intervene with my usual lesson in appropriate language. Those were occasions when grief-stricken survivors used the words. Not every moment is the time for teaching. I might later gently speak of the topic during a support group or another venue at which those people are present, but at the time of providing initial comfort, information, and support, I often choose not to bring up language use.

Recently a couple of experiences have gotten me to thinking about the language of suicide from a slightly different perspective. Cory Robin, a YouTube artist who makes beautiful videos of backcountry flying in light airplanes, lost a sister to suicide last year and after simply taking time off following the death, has been very open and frank speaking of his grief in some of his videos. He has tackled the tough subject of pilot suicide and worked at prevention by education of pilots. In at least one of his videos he uses the word “commit” in reference to his sister’s death. David Sedaris, a brilliant and very funny essayist, also used “commit” when writing about his sister’s death. These are not people who use language lightly or flippantly. They are used to choosing their words carefully. Since they are survivors who know the continuing path of grief, their choice of words is worthy of contemplation.

The first definition of the word commit in the dictionary is the one that has sparked my decision not to use it in relationship to suicide death: “carry our or perpetuate (a mistake, crime, or immoral act).” Theologians and ethicists have taken different positions in regard to suicide. I submit that the choice of some in the history of the church to label suicide as immoral is based in a lack of understanding of the nature of mental illness. We would never think to call death by heard disease or cancer “immoral.” Yet we continue to speak of mental illness as if it is not an illness, but rather a voluntary act. A person cannot choose to escape depression any more than a person can choose to escape kidney disease. Even though people make mistaken decisions in regards to the prevention of the spread of viruses, we don’t blame the victims of Covid-19 for their own deaths.

The complexity of language, however, results in there being other definitions of the word commit. The second dictionary definition of commit is “pledge or bind (a person or an organization) to a certain course or policy.” Leaders can become committed to world peace. Donors commit to raising funds. Couples commit themselves to each other in marriage. There are many times when the word has very positive connotations. I am proud that I have committed decades of my life to the work of suicide awareness, prevention, and response. I use the word commit in its positive sense on a regular basis.

The third definition in the dictionary is “transfer something to (a state or place).” I have lots of ideas that I do not commit to my journal. This definition is very tricky when mental illness is involved because we use the word “admit” when we speak of hospitalization for many illnesses, but “commit” when speaking of treatment for mental illness. People are admitted to the hospital for treatment of Covid, but committed to institutions for treatment of depression.

Making hard and fast rules or banning the use of particular words in particular situations doesn’t work very well for us. What is needed is careful sensitivity to the needs of suffering people and thoughtful choices about the words we use. I will continue to avoid the phrase “committed suicide.” However, I understand that those words are meaningful to some who are grieving the loss of loved ones. Words are neither harmful or helpful. It is the way that they are used that can cause harm.

Suicide carries an enormous weight of social stigma in our communities. We help to ease that stigma by having the courage to speak of suicide openly and honestly. I am deeply grateful for voices like Cory Robin and David Sedaris who elevate the subject of suicide by their courageous and honest sharing of their experiences. Just as I have worked hard to create support groups where people feel free to speak of suicide without stigma, I long for an enlightened attitude in the wider community that allows suicide death to be openly mourned and suicide grief to be freely expressed. As we work towards that goal, I remain committed to choosing my words carefully.