When we were first forming our marriage it was important to us that we avoided some of the traditional trappings of marriage relationships. We wanted to form an equal partnership that wasn’t limited by traditional roles. Women can have meaningful careers. Men can take responsibility for domestic chores. It was the early years of the 1970’s. We were aware of a shift in language. No longer did it make sense to use male gender pronouns to refer to all people. “Mankind” no longer worked when referring to men and women. A committee is lead by a chairperson, not a chairman. The use of inclusive language became an important topic of conversation and debate in the church. The early years of our ministry coincided with the groundbreaking UCC Book of Worship, a collection of liturgies that carefully employed inclusive language and did not refer to God exclusively as male. That was followed by the New Century Hymnal, which took the concept into the arena of hymns. Lyrics were changed to reflect shifts in language usage.

We were careful in our choices of words, and when we began writing professionally, we poured over pages and pages of inclusive language guidelines to make sure that the documents we produced conformed to new rules of inclusiveness.

Over the span of our careers we noticed some erosion in the commitment of our denomination to inclusive language. Persons employed in the national setting of our denomination would occasionally use less inclusive language when leading public worship. Documents appeared, carrying the imprint of the denomination that had not been carefully edited for inclusive language. Hymns were sung at church events that used more male pronouns and projected a male gender identity on God. It reminded us of how difficult it is to alter language use.

Fairly late in our careers as pastors, we began to receive new education about persons who have non-binary gender identities. Often our first encounters left us scratching our heads, not always understanding the concerns that were being raised. A dear friend helped me immensely by saying, simply, “I’m not asking you to understand. I’m asking you to accept.” Of course I can accept things that I don’t understand. That doesn’t prevent me from seeking fuller understanding. It doesn’t eliminate my questions, but it does provide a way for a positive relationship to continue to grow as I continue to learn.

I still struggle with the use of plural pronouns to refer to individuals. I have heard the request of persons who experience themselves as not conforming to a rigid dualism of only two possible gender identities, and I try to use the pronouns they suggest, but I occasionally slip up, make mistakes, and use inappropriate language. I think I am getting better and more practiced and then I find that I have used words in a different manner than intended. I suppose a shift in language is a good mental exercise for my aging years. In order to keep my mind sharp, I need to think carefully before speaking and use words precisely.

I am not a person who rejects the use of plural pronouns with singular subjects. As a writer, there is a bit of a grammarian in me and I know some of the formal rules of grammar that we were taught about agreement of nouns and pronouns. But I also have found the use of the plurals “they, them, and theirs” to be useful when referring to individuals. Among other places, the pronouns seem to work much better when speaking of God than the traditional male pronouns of he, him, and his. My image of God is not one of a male being. God transcends gender.

Still, there are areas of language use that I don’t fully understand. For example some non-binary friends are uncomfortable with the gendered titles for parents, preferring not to be referred to as father or mother and using parent as a non-gendered term. Other friends, including at least one transgender person, use those terms when referring to themselves. I doubt that it is a major concern, because we use titles far less than did the generation of our grandparents. Children often use their parents’ first names instead of a title. There are many different names applied to grandparents. I enjoy it when our grandchildren call me grandpa, but I don’t mind it when they call me Ted. I also respond to papa with affection. For me the relationship with my grandchildren is far more important that the particular choice of words. In conversation with others, I take no offense when I am referred to as a parent or grandparent. I don’t need the title father.

Sometimes, I find myself feeling just a little bit awkward with my own choice of words. I got used to using sir and mam when I served as a Sheriff’s chaplain. Paramilitary organizations such as law enforcement agencies often use language common in military settings. I formed a habit of addressing others with the titles. Those titles, however, are very binary and not appropriate when addressing persons who find themselves not fitting into the dualism of male and female as the only gender options. In most cases, there is no need for a title at all. I can address individuals by using their names.

With five decades of working to use inclusive language, especially when talking about God, I confess that our language feels a bit slow to change. I still find myself in settings where male titles and pronouns are used to refer to God. The trinitarian formula, “Father, Son and Holy Spirit” persists in certain areas of liturgy, including baptism. It is pronounced by male and female clergy. I don’t think that a transformation of the language we use can fully take place in a single generation. We still fall back into old patterns from time to time. Still, being aware of language and careful in its use is a discipline worthy of our time and attention.

So, if I make a mistake in my choice of words, I pray that you will be patient with me and offer correction when needed. I am still learning and I hope I can continue to learn for as long as I am able to speak.