One of the treasures of my semi-retired status is a subtle change in my relationship with the congregation I serve. From the time we graduated from seminary until our formal retirement at the end of June, 2020, Susan and I always shared responsibility for the administration and institutional health of the congregations we served. That meant that we needed to attend all of the meetings of the Church Board and listen attentively to the conversations there. We had to work hard to discern the directions that the church should take. We had to pay attention to the budget and the financial health of the church. I loved the work we did, and I love the church deeply and care about its long-term future, but there were some meetings that I didn’t love. There were times when I grew frustrated with the resistance to change that we often met.

In our position at First Congregational Church of Bellingham, our responsibilities lie in the area of programming. We work with only one Board of the church for the most part. We are not responsible for all of the administrative meetings. I almost never missed meetings of the administrative board of the church for over 40 years and now I haven’t attended such a meeting for 17 months. Yesterday, however, I sat in on a meeting of our Church Board. I listened to the conversations. I could see the tension and disagreement. Although the meeting was taking place over Zoom, it had much of the character of many meetings that I had attended over the course of a career in the church. There was, however, a big difference. I didn’t feel that I had to be in charge. I didn’t have the same kind of personal investment in the decisions being made that I used to have. I could watch and listen to our lead pastor as she skillfully negotiated the process of gently leading a group of people to discover what is most important to them and to keep in mind the wider community of the church. I could maintain a sense of detachment that was, for me, refreshing.

Pastors don’t go into the ministry for the love of meetings. We endure meetings for the love of people and for the love of the church. Now I have a job where my responsibilities are to plan and teach classes, offer a bit of creativity to worship planning, and engage with families as they navigate the delicate balances of life and career and raising children.

Furthermore, our position is that of interim. We are doing the work of the church for a little while only. Our call states 18 to 24 months. After that the congregation will move on to other leaders and we will move on with our retirement - or perhaps to another place of service. Knowing that allows me to maintain a certain level of detachment. I know that I can’t replace the person who came before me in this job. I know that there is grief over her retirement and leaving the position. I also know that the church needs to prepare for meeting and supporting new leadership in the future.This “in between” time is largely about learning to say “Goodbye” and “Hello.” It is about listening carefully to the grief and hope of a congregation.

I know that part of the job is being responsible to the details. I understand that I can’t go crazy with spending the church’s resources. I know that the people of the church need the careful ear of a pastor as they go through this time of transition. My job has never been about me. It has always been about the church. But somehow this particular call is one that requires just a little bit less personal investment that some of the other positions I have held. I can try a program without fear of failure. I one thing doesn’t work, we can refocus and try another.

Among other things I did yesterday, was lead a bible study class. Attendance at this particular class has been very light. If I were the senior pastor of the church, I would be questioning whether or not this is a wise investment of time to put so much energy and preparation into a class with so few participants. I might be evaluating whether or not to end the class. However, I don’t have to worry about those things. I’ve committed to teaching the class up until the beginning of advent and I’ll do so as long as at last one participant is present. Working with the small numbers, just adding one new person, which we did yesterday, feels like progress. And teaching a small class is very rewarding for the teacher. There is time for sideline conversations and paying attention to what each member of the class is wanting to learn and discuss.

On the morning after attending the meeting of the Church Board, however, I am aware that I care deeply about the big picture issues of the church. I have an opinion on which choices lead to a more sustainable future for the community. Once again I am reminded of the strength of our Congregational polity that requires a minister to also be a member of the congregation that is served. We belong to this group of people. We are a part of the community.

During my working years, I didn’t think very much about retirement or how it would feel. Towards the end of my career, I did think about where I might live in retirement. I did feel the pull of family and the desire to be closer to our grandchildren as they grow. And when we were going through the move, I felt a need to settle on a single congregation rather than spending a lot of time church shopping and trying out all of the different congregations. I’m still figuring out what it means to be retired and where I fit in the life of the church. Having an interim position seems to be just right. I can serve and know that my role will continue to shift.

I guess that I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.