Ten years ago, Katje van Loon wrote a blog post calling for the creation of International Non-Binary Day on July 14 - exactly half way between International Women’s Day and International Men’s Day. Since 2012 the day has been observed as a time for raising awareness and organizing around the issues faced by non-binary people around the world. Ten years ago, I was not very aware of non—binary as a gender category. I had transgender friends and was well aware that there were people who identified as having a different gender than assigned at birth. I was also aware that there are cultures in different parts of the world and at different points of human history where there are more than two genders recognized. As a student of the Bible I was aware of Biblical characters with non-traditional gender identities. Joseph, the youngest son of the patriarch Jacob is an example. Both the Hebrew Scriptures and the New Testament have stories of eunuchs. Some eunuchs have experienced the alteration of their genitals. Most are not named, though the eunuchs in the Book of Esther are an exception. Jesus, when addressing the subject of divorce in Matthew 19, speaks of eunuchs directly: “For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let anyone accept this who can.” (Matthew 19:12)

As I became aware of friends and colleagues who came out as non-binary, however, it became very important for me to not use categories that I had previously identified. These people were expressing an identity that did not conform to what I already knew, but revealing something completely new.

Part of my learning included struggling with pronouns. My non-binary friends are not comfortable with traditional “he/him” or “she/her” pronouns. They prefer to use “they/them” as a singular. This was a real mental struggle for me. Having worked as an editor using more traditional language rules, my mind rebelled at what I perceived as a lack of noun/pronoun agreement. I kept wanting to correct the grammar and I found myself having to make a real effort to use they and them as singulars. Part of that struggle was good for me as it raised awareness. If I am uncomfortable with a little change in language, imagine how much more uncomfortable it is for someone to feel like the entire world is identifying them as different than they perceive themselves.

I’ve found myself in the midst of several discussions about pronouns. Some of my friends openly rebelled at the use of they/them in reference to individuals. For a while, I would remind those friends that Shakespeare regularly used “they/them.” This, however, is a rather silly argument. Most of us don’t speak Shakespearean English and none of us write as well as Shakespeare.

My personal preference is “zie/zir.” It is a little bit easier for me to learn completely new words than to use other words in a different manner than I have been using them for the rest of my life. “Zie/zir” sounds gentle and playful to me. But my preference is hardly the important factor in language choice. I am learning to listen carefully to others and to use the pronouns they choose.

Listening carefully and discarding previously accepted categories is important. Some non-binary individuals are transgender, but not all. Some non-binary individuals focus their attention on roles and are careful not to be forced to conform to traditional roles. But neither Susan nor I identify as non-binary, but we have not conformed to the rigid gender roles that were traditional in our upbringing. I’m a fairly good cook and am competent at cleaning and organizing. Susan is a professional and has always earned income to support our family. We have worked together as a team both at home and at work without the need to identify one as “boss” or “in charge.” Persons who identify as non-binary do not always conform to traditional gender roles, but some of them find that there are traditional roles with which they are comfortable. One of the lessons for me has been to allow each person to assume the roles and make the identifications they choose.

I’ve never gotten into recognizing International Women’s Day on March 8 or International Men’s Day on November 19. I haven’t found a need to celebrate people by gender. We do observe role-based holidays in our family. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are days of celebration for us. On the other hand, I see no problem with recognizing International Non-Binary Day. It is an opportunity for me to express appreciation for certain friends and colleagues. I’m not sure what is the best way to recognize the day, however. Flowers might be appropriate for some, but not for all non-binary individuals. For starters, I’m going to work very hard today to use the pronouns chosen by the people I know. I’m also going to try to avoid other gendered titles such as “sir” and “son.” This is a bit easier for me because I do not have reason to use titles with my non-binary friends.

The International Human Rights Campaign has a web page celebrating the diversity of the non-binary community and recognizing today as International Non-Binary Day. I recommend taking a look at the page and obviously I am grateful that you are reading my journal posted on the Internet. However, I suspect that the best way to celebrate the day is to spend less time immersed in media and more time in relationship with actual human beings.

To all of my friends, those who identify as male, female, non-binary, or other, I wish you a joyful International Non-Binary day. May you find joy in the rich diversity of the people of the world and discover communities of love and support for all people. As we say in the United Church of Christ, “No matter who you are, or where you are on life’s journey, you are welcome here!”