A couple of days ago I watched and listened as my wife helped two of our grandchildren settle a dispute. Her technique was simple. She only allowed one person to speak at a time. Then she practiced active listening, repeating what was said to make sure that it was understood by the other person before moving on to the other person’s turn to speak. We were both taught the technique nearly 50 years ago when we were students serving and in the Chicago Theological Seminary Lab Preschool. (No we weren’t preschoolers at the time. We were graduate students studying preschool education in a real school setting.) Martha Snyder, director of the preschool, was an expert not only at helping young children resolve their conflicts, but also at teaching adults to work with children in ways that encouraged the children to develop their consciences and become responsible adults.

Part of the disagreement between our grandchildren had to do with the use of language. When one child said, “I unforgive you,” the other naturally thought that forgiveness had been rescinded. The one who said it however, had meant, “I no longer need to forgive you.” It was a completely different sentiment than the way it was received and the ensuing miscommunication made one child feel as if he could not be forgiven and another feeling as if her attempts to restore the relationship were rebuffed. Anger and raised voices followed. Without a bit of help from a parent or grandparent, the conflict could have escalated.

It seems like a minor incident, and indeed it was, but it is in those kinds of incidents that children learn necessary skills for adulthood. Unfortunately, not all children learn those lessons. I’ve met plenty of adults who don’t have good listening skills, who go off in anger without understanding the other’s intentions, and who lack the skills to live and work well with those with whom they have disagreements.

I thought of the arguments of children yesterday as I listened to part of the testimony in the United States House of Representatives as they debated the second impeachment of President Donald Trump. Some of the testimony was understandably emotional. Members of the chamber and their staff members had faced a very credible and very real danger just a week previously. Members feared for their own lives. As the details of the attack on the US Capitol become clear, it is now evident that there was extensive collaboration with a mob that was manipulated to believe that they could override the normal process of a free and fair election and impose their will upon those with whom they disagree. Other members of Congress, who disagreed with the action of impeaching the president called for unity, arguing that further attempts to hold the President accountable for his speech and actions would only further divide a divided nation.

Frankly, they sounded like a preschoolers in their argument. It is hollow to call for unity, when what you really want is for the other side to capitulate. What you really want is to get your own way.

The events of history rarely give people time to stop, take a deep breath, and learn to listen. That is why it is so important to teach children those skills when they are three and four years old so that they can incorporate those skills into their lives. Maybe we all need to go back to preschool.

As our teacher taught us so very long ago, the first step is to teach those in conflict to speak one at a time and then to really listen to the other person as she or he speaks. Then you establish what really happened. To do so requires that the truth be told and that lies and misinformation be corrected.

Telling the truth has not been a hallmark of our political lives in recent years. Liars have been rewarded for their false rhetoric. Those who have committed direct perjury, even in front of the entire nation in public hearings, have been rewarded for their half truths and intentionally misleading statements.

If we want unity, we must be willing to tell the truth.

The truth is that members of the United States House of Representatives sought to overturn the legitimate process of casting votes and states certifying those votes. Having failed, they want to simply move on as if their behavior wasn’t part of the lead up to the attack upon the Capitol. Even after the attack, they continued to attempt to subvert the election.

If we want unity, we must begin by telling the truth.

In the terms of faith, confession must precede reconciliation and reconciliation must precede forgiveness. It is more than a series of rituals, it is the reflection of deep truth that has been discovered by millennia of people seeking truth and justice.

The truth is that our nation has not yet recovered unity from the Civil War. The politics of race still dominate our public discussion. It should surprise no one that some of the people who attempted to overthrow the legitimately elected government of the United States last week proudly displayed the Confederate Battle Flag and used it to desecrate the halls of the Capitol. It should come as no surprise that attackers literally beat other human beings with a flagpole of the American Flag. It should come as no surprise that people claiming to be patriots chanted, “Hang Mike Pence.”

If we want unity we must engage in the very difficult task of teaching those very people that the lives and feelings of others are valuable. We must teach them that peace requires justice. We must confess that the search for unity is not contained in a single speech or a single vote, but is a process that will take generations of hard work.

We must not let the crisis in our government lure us into forgetting that on the day the United States House of Representatives voted for the second time to impeach President Trump, 4,491 of our fellow citizens died of Covid-19. For their loved ones, the politics of the Capitol weren’t the biggest events in their lives yesterday. We can’t heal when we don’t even acknowledge the grief of our sisters and brothers.

Speeches don’t bring unity. For that we’ve got a lot of hard work ahead of us.