In a conversation earlier this week one of the pastors at the church we attend asked me a very pastoral question - the kind of question I wish I had been more likely to ask in my years as a pastor: “Where do you think the Spirit is leading you next?” I’m usually pretty quick to answer questions in conversation, but this one gave me pause. I came up with an answer for the purposes of the conversation, but the question remains and I have been mulling it since it was asked.

Even though I am a pastor, even though I pray every day, even though I have had a long career as a Christian minister, I have to admit that I’m not very good at discerning the call of the Spirit.

I think that I went to seminary thinking that if I became a pastor, it would be just one step in a career that led elsewhere. I could imagine myself as a professor. I could imagine myself in an innovative health care ministry. I could imagine myself as a member of a Conference or the national staff of the church. I couldn’t imagine that I would invest my entire working career being a local church pastor. When I went to seminary, I was sure that it was a short departure from Montana. I was a Montanan, and I was positive that I would return to my home state and live my life there.

I wasn’t capable of seeing the Spirit calling me to local church ministry all by myself. It took other people to help me see where I was being called. That pesky Montana notion kept getting in my way. I’ve lost track of how many times I tried to receive a call to serve a congregation in Montana. It never happened. There were at least two times when I reached interview stage with church positions in Montana when I was convinced that it was were the Spirit was calling me. Neither of those times did the people on the search committees feel that it was where the Spirit was calling them. Both times it was a blessing that led me into a deeper relationship with the congregation I was serving and more productive ministries shared.

An important lesson that I had to learn over and over again is that the calling of the Holy Spirit is much different that what I want.

While I invested considerable energy and consulted with many colleagues and listened to the lay people of the church when we made our moves to serve congregations, the process of retirement was quite a bit more personal. Of course, we have each other and Susan and I have grown even closer through the process, but I have been focused on the practical issues of the process. I’ve asked questions about where we will live, about what we will take and what we will leave behind, about how we will manage our finances, and about a lot of other things, but I haven’t been attentive to the basic, and most important question, “What is it that God is asking of this phase of my life?”

I know from scripture and from personal experience that God doesn’t give up on us when we take a wrong turn or when we aren’t paying attention. Jonah didn’t get out of going to Nineveh by getting on a boat to Tarshish. Jeremiah didn’t avoid his role as a prophet by claiming to be too young for the job. Elijah didn’t escape his calling by hiding in a cave. The Spirit will not allow me to ignore my call and the Spirit will find a way to convey the message in a language that I cannot refuse.

Once I have started pondering the question, however, I can be quite impatient. I want an answer right away. I know, however, that these things take time. I know that there is much about my future that is yet to be revealed. I know that I have to take it on step at a time.

Moreover, I know that I need a supporting community to discern the call of the Holy Spirit. I won’t figure out my calling all by myself. I need to listen to what others have to say. I need to seek out what others see in me. I need to pay attention to the places where need exists. I need to make sure that I have, in my circle of conversation and community, people who are different ages and at different stages of their life than I. When I was a young pastor, I sought out elders and mentors who could help guide me. Now that I have become one of the old folks, I am well aware that I need to listen to children, youth and young adults. I need to cultivate friendships with them. When I was actively serving a congregation, this was much simpler. Those friendships came to me through the church. I had a ready-made community of faith that surrounded me. It is a bit different, but as we become more connected to this congregation, even in the season of Covid, we are developing more diverse relationships. I’m in a faith formation group that includes young adults and actively working people. I can see opportunities to volunteer in the church and may soon be able to dive in a bit more deeply now that we are vaccinated and things are beginning to open up to other ways of connecting.

And, fortunately, God has placed a pastor in my path who is willing to ask the question that I need to be pondering: “Where do you think the Spirit is leading you next?”

I’m going to have to work on that one.

Life is a journey, not a destination. I know I will never arrive at a place where I have everything figured out and have worked through all of the challenges. I’d be pretty bored in such a place anyway. The journey continues. God has yet more light to break forth. Prayer and study and patience seem in order.